when the doors of perception are cleansed

Tue, 19 Oct 2004 22:39:28 GMT

yo what up lj sluts. i'm finally going to a neurologist on friday morning. i'm scurred, i don't know what's gonna happen. i'd hate to find out that i'm permenantly fucked.

our band is going great. everyone in it is awesome. i've noticed a steep decline in shitty people trying to talk to me online and call me at home. which i'm very proud of. i think the internet is just bad for some people. it gives them the balls to say things that they wouldn't normally say in real life. oh well, have fun in your fantasy land children.

Wed, 13 Oct 2004 01:01:09 GMT

look you are insane. ok . a crazy person doesn't think they're crazy though right. you should be in a hospital.

Sat, 02 Oct 2004 04:44:33 GMT

alright look, eric berret, your a cool guy, seriously i like you but i think your friends are shitty. i don't talk shit about you or anyone man i am going through a lot of bad shit right now. i have brain damage and i am slowly dying. and i don't think it's cool that your friend andy thinks that this is funny. i seriously hope you or anyone else never has to go through this. i don't have a lot of time and i don't want to spend it arguing with people. there's not gonna be a fight. you guys are fucked up plain and simple. matt bullock: your pathetic quit calling my girlfriend. andy oh god i hope you have a nice life, you should learn how to treat people better though. sarah muller; i will give you your money when i have it, .

please, i am dying i'm not fucking joking around. just quit making things worse.

the totally awesome skulls crew----

Tue, 28 Sep 2004 22:27:24 GMT

you know those motorcycle gangs in the greaser days, it seems to me that each premise was generally that these people would try and intimidate the square or good kids. cuz they were demon outcasts of cookiecutter society. now here's where i get boggled, the skulls crew (i guess they must be skeletons or something) are trying to embody this persona, by throwing punches in a dark room. i don't know where it came from, or how it got here but i suppose it has something to do with your alcohol problems.

randomly talking shit to people is what highschool kids do, now your not in highschool still are you? oh there's no talking sense into people when they are that far gone. you gotta get em when their young or they turn into distguisting human beings.

fucking little kids. i would love if someone just shot you in the face. i would laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh and laugh. please try to grow up.

Sat, 25 Sep 2004 19:52:19 GMT

i was just reading some old emails that i have not seen and i people are really fucked up man. that is why i'm deleting my livejournal. i'm surprised at the ammount of people who are GLAD that i have brain damage.

poof, i'm gone.

Sat, 25 Sep 2004 19:39:58 GMT

so last night was supposed to be my birthday party, but no one showed up. and i mean no one. even sarah had other plans. this hurt my feelings immensly although i'm going to pretend it didn't.

i feel like i'm dying. i'm frightened.

Fri, 24 Sep 2004 22:13:57 GMT

i just saw brandy at the quick trip, she is one of the nicest people i've ever met.

last night chris moore won this little comedy showcase at baja tilly's. he was awesome. i think he's got a real career in doing this shit.

i just got health-insurance bling. i didn't see that one coming. now i can go to a neurologist, i'm so happy. i hope this will be the turning of the tide for me.

to SOH:

thanks for ruining my birthday party which is supposed to be tonight. we were going to play a set and have a party but once again we've been duped by you asshole little kids. i would like it very much if you kids didn't show up at my house anymore, kell doesn't live there anymore. so get get high and headbang elsewhere and without our equipment. . . fuck off.

happy b day to me

Thu, 23 Sep 2004 22:36:13 GMT

last night i actually convinced myself i had had a stroke. but after further investigation i only have one or two of the symptoms so i'm trying to write this off as being a hypocondriach (i think)

i turn 21 in five days i'm depressed. very depressed. i don't think i've ever been this sad before. it's strange. i never thought my life would be like this. if it wasn't for sarah i would have given up already.

tomorrow i have to try and get health insurance, but i don't think that's going to go very well. if i don't get it i'm fucked. i think people should have the right to know what's wrong with them. in canada everyone has free health insurance i think i have to move there. i can't go on like this.

you know that part in that pie movie where they guy stabs his brain, that's what it feels like.

i don't like people

Sun, 19 Sep 2004 20:37:07 GMT

man the library gets crazy on sunday's, there's like a horde of people waiting to get it in. and then at 1:30 everyone just piles in and rushes for the computers even though more than half of them are free.

so i found out there is no way i can get medical insurance since i live with my parents. so i guess i'm just gonna try and get a job long enough until the insurance kicks in so i can go to a neurologist.

i turn 21 in ten days i think, were not playing a show cuz my band is a bunch of flakes. but not the kind of flakes your used to, the kind of flakes that invented the word flake. fuckin frustrating. oh well. i'm just gonna have a nice quiet birthday cake session at my house next weekend maybe.

late.

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 21:52:34 GMT

everyone who would like to hear my band, go to our myspace account and you can hear a song. and if you can't find it.

the way
thesunshinetribe@yahoo.com

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 07:01:35 GMT

last night i woke up and my brain felt like it was hemoraging, every time i moved my senses were delayed. and when they finally registered it sent me into a frantic panic. every touch echos throughout my whole body in a very very frightening way. my left arm went completely numb and i thought i was having a stroke.

then today i called my mom and she told me she had a dream last night that i was going to my dead grandmother and aunt. i was on a plane and i was telling people i had to leave and go to them. this fucking scared the shit out of me because my mom is psychic. severely psychic. i'm scared out of my mind.

tomorrow i have to try and go get on ahccss so i can go to a neurologist. but i doubt they are going to help me.

i wish sarah was here. i miss her. if i happen to just die suddenly then i want all of you to know that i love you, even if i hate you i still love you, life is too precious to fight with people. and sometimes it's shorter than you think. don't waste it, it's the greatest gift you'll ever get.

mmmm i just took a sweet shower.

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 20:05:22 GMT

super band practice today, i hope my brain holds it together. i hate to brag but our band is so good. i think i'm gonna be famous soon. we created our own style and it's so sweet. we got cp back, well he never left but he did disappear. also we have a new band member, he goes by the name of jess daniels and he's playin guitar. i can't wait to practice.

i hope sarah gets to spend the night tonight.444444444444444444444444444

that will be sweet.

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 06:39:26 GMT

i think my head is getting better, but then i had a fever and it made it feel shitty again. ahh it sucks.

arrest this man

Sun, 12 Sep 2004 20:52:24 GMT

i fucking try and try and try to just forget about the people i used to know, i thought i had made my peace and wanted to quietly walk away, but something keeps tugging on my sleeve.

people tell me it's just that i'm so charismatic that you either have to love me or hate me. i don't get it.

all of you are pathetic excuses for human beings, try for a second to realize that fighting breeds contempt which turns into fighting. and the cycle goes round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round and round until someone says i'll be the bigger person and walk away. there's a reason why that saying holds true throughout time, anyone can start a fight it's soooo simple, but try not starting a fight that's a lot harder. LAZY FUCKS.

and that person will always be me.

Sat, 11 Sep 2004 20:24:30 GMT

i always get a little teary-eyed on 9-11, it makes me want to go out and do something for my country. this land i love. maybe i will join the army, i'd like to kill some people in middle-eastern countries. sieg heil (ring any bells) it's so simple, it starts with a whisper, then it's gossip, then panic, and the next thing you know you've found a scapegoat. but who perpetrated the whisper? i don't think it could be pinpointed to any one person, the new theory i'm working with is that the devil is behind all of this, and in theory it's true. so let's blame it all on him, ok. the devil is just an emotion really, all of the devious things that human beings do can be attributed to their dark side, and all of the good that comes of human beings come from the light, or god. so in conclusion i think the united states army should attack hell. get right to the root of the problem, then we wouldn't have to kill people anymore. see see see!!!!

that's why you should vote for me for the house of representatives, so we can defeat satan together.

martinez in 04' (R)

Fri, 10 Sep 2004 03:22:39 GMT

i need some new friends, i'm awfully lonely.

Fri, 10 Sep 2004 03:21:34 GMT

somehow i got a cold, i need chicken soup :(

i have not had a cigarette in like 4 hours, i need to quit smoking, someone save me. please.

Wed, 08 Sep 2004 22:03:04 GMT

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 21:32:07 GMT

subtitles needs a serious drummer.

help me take over the world.

thesunshinetribe@yahoo.com

silly immature vain scenester fuckers

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 04:38:44 GMT

just leave her alone she's broken inside. it's just the internet. they are pathetic fools, dillusions of grandeur, extremely vain and self-centered.

i have heard a lot of fucked up things in my life, but saying that your glad that someone has brain damage is the most ignorant thing i've ever heard anyone say. i don't care who it is, i wouldn't wish this on anyone. not even evil people like sarah muller and her boyfriend pinochio.

i love my friends. you guys are awesome.

and katy if you see this- her boyfriend said that to ME.

PLEASE JUST GO AWAY YOU ARE POISON TO ME. GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. A LITTLE RESENTMENT CAN GO A LONG WAY.

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 07:45:51 GMT

what makes a human being a human being? i used to think there was something magical about us, that deep down people were pure and beautiful. and everything was so simple and complicating things only stole a piece of innocence inside all of us.

but then i think about some of the people that i know and there is really nothing that seperates them from dumb animals. and i get frustrated and kill myself inside cuz i just want to tell them it's ok, everthing is ok. even when it's not ok everything is still ok. and when everything is wrong everything is still ok.

i want to take the people that i used to know and throw that memory away now, i have so much resent. i spent so much of my time with people that i hate so much now. i can't even get my haircut anymore.

yes it was so fake and it takes sobriety to learn that cuz where are you people right now? when i need you the most.

if anyone else would like to take a shot at me do it quickly while i'm still around.

Sat, 04 Sep 2004 07:29:46 GMT

you fucking fuck fuck people fucking die in a fiery car accident . don't ever contact me again .

you will burn in hell

my hidden agendas are in limbo

fuck fuck fuck fuck

Fri, 03 Sep 2004 20:57:12 GMT

the healthcare system is far more evil than any system ever devised by man, eons more than capitalism, which isn't looking too bad anymore. these people are horrible. wait wait wait you don't have insurance, you get to die now.

i am the infintile center of the god damn universe

Wed, 01 Sep 2004 21:26:49 GMT

paradise at the brilliant garden
we ricoched across red matter
my wicked heart meanders

remember me?
i was lounging by the storm
to this time cafe they speak
give night my summer rain
when scent imagines me

anyone
anyone could be construed
as crazy
if they were to say things
like this

Wed, 01 Sep 2004 21:16:22 GMT

when faced with death you change, you change automatically and permenantly. you can make a 250mg. mistake and pay for it the rest of your life. all of those petty arguments and differences between people are underneath this plain of thinking. coping is hard when you can't turn to drugs, it's like working on your day off, but you never get off work anymore.

i wish someone would have warned me about dxm, the fucking shit is legal, that astounds me.what i have is called onley's legions, literally legions on your brain. it hurts. it's a lot of sensory problems at first, your vision doesn't work as well as it should, every time someone touches you, you feel like your getting poked with a needle. every sound thats out of the ordinary falsly triggers your adrenal glands. horrific haulloucinations with your eyes closed.

in the later stages your memory starts to be affected, this is also synonomous with permenant brain damage. you stop making connections, you don't notice it at first but then someone will remind you of something that happened recently but you just can't place it. you can hope and hope and hope and wait and take people's advice, and eat vitamins and eat the right food and try to get out and do things and talk to money hungry doctors who tell you your fine, but it doesn't help. cuz at the end of the day your brain still feels like someone held a lighter to it.

there is very little research on this, they don't teach about it in medical school, i feel completely banished from society , i feel like i'm dying, there is no relief in sight, no one cares.